Dear Complicated

Dear Complicated who isn't my husband but isn't not my husband. Yet again I find myself living in limbo with you, something I didn't want to have to do anymore. I value honesty, so I can't call you my ex-husband because according to law you still are my husband... and you are still wearing the ring. Worse than the limbo is the push-pull I feel around you. Something has changed, like really changed. Solidly, irrevocably changed. I can't quite put my finger on it, but there is something different. Perhaps the difference is within me, but I don't think so. You haven't done anything to leave me feeling hurt in a long time. You have become more easy-going than I've ever known you to be. You seem to do more than you ever have. Cleaning the toilet bowl, keeping the place clean, filling the car with petrol, having the lawns mowed, doing laundry, spending real time with the kids... granted I don't have to witness you bullying the kids in to doing most of that, and you wouldn't be willing to spend the money on a lawn mower person if I was around because if I'm at home 'doing nothing' then I should be doing the lawns, but knowing you clean the toilet bowl and spend proper time with the kids.... things have changed. I have a migraine today. I have a migraine yet I need to hang out the clean clothes, I need to unpack the dishwasher and repack it, I have to go to work soon. It is nice to fantasize that if I still lived with you I could just relax in bed or a hot shower until I left for work and not feel guilty for not doing all this stuff. Not only that, but perhaps you would do it for me. I can't help but scoff at the thought. This is good, it reminds me why I can never go back. I need the reminders you see because I still love you and the longer I have to go without touching you, hugging you, kissing you, the more I want to go back. But I can't. I can ever go back. While you are now a better father and a better future partner for someone else, I don't think you will ever be good for me, even if you wanted to be. I believe deeply within myself that you have never truly loved me. I believe deeply within myself that you much prefer your new life. You are happier without me and my son in it. You are better without me. You are happier without me. I am so angry with you. You were meant to love and adore and worship me. Not criticise and leave me feeling like I'm not good enough cause I don't want to have a muggle job, or I don't keep things as clean as you want, or I can easily ignore the children bickering, or because I love art. You were meant to praise my art and tell me how amazing I am and remind me over and over how much you love and adored me. You were meant to leave me with no doubt that you thought I was the best thing in your world. No one else wanted you, I did. You should have cherished that. Instead I ended up with someone who took the only person who wanted them because that's the best he could get. Pity I wasn't the best though. I feel like a very last choice. I once thought I was a great mother, but soon learned I wasn't thanks to you. I once thought I was intelligent and funny, but soon learned I wasn't thanks to you. I used to think I had something to contribute to the world, to life, but soon learned I didn't thanks to you. I once thought I was powerful, but soon realised that I gave you all my power. Now it's time for me to go to work with a pounding brain and no support. Not much different than when I did live with you. Just, no guilt when I get home and don't do all the things that are left for me to do cause no one else does them. No guilt is a massive relief. It has taken me way too long to type this because of my migraine and it's time to go to work so I will just post this. Not that you will ever read it, and if you do, you'll never acknowledge it. You will just pretend you haven't read it so you can continue to leave me hanging around in limbo. Fuck my life. Forever Unworthy.