What Happened To You?

I'll tell you what happened to you. YOU FUCKED UP! You had a wife who loved you more than she's loved any other man in the history of her life and she felt like something wasn't quite right. She told you about this. She even explained some of it away, but that didn't change anything. So the more life went on the same path the worse she felt, the worse she felt, the worse she treated herself and thus perpetuating the cycle. She cried and begged you for your help. She desperately tried to get you to listen to her. One day she sought therapy, it felt like her last resort because nothing else she said or did got your attention or drove you into action. So she went, thinking if she could feel better then her life would magically change, even though the changes did not need to come from her at all because she had bent over backward adjusting and making changes to suit you. From that therapy it was suggested that you come along. So you did, for a couple of sessions. The therapist asked questions and made suggestions, all the while your wife sat there and said, Yes I've tried that, I've done that, and you sat there and nodded and smiled because yes, your wife had actually done all the things and more. So you decided that you needed one-on-one counselling of your own. Your wife happily supported this even though it meant the counselling for the relationship, the marriage, was put the weyside. You went for a few sessions then stopped. Life got in the way and it became too difficult for you to find the time to keep going. Because some therapy was had, things were OK for a time, but life has a way of spiraling and within that spiral you always end up in a similar place to where you were before, to see what lessons were learned and if you had integrated those things to make lasting change. You never did. You always went back to how you always were, even though it was clear that if you wanted to be in a lasting relationship there had to be some give, some change, something. Your wife went along with every decision you made, when to move because of your issues, where to move so it was easier for you or because it was the cheapest place to buy a house. The merry-go-round kept going though and your wife would hold the space and keep everything as even as she could. Until she couldn't. Then she would explode because there needed to be some kind of release, some relief from the pressure that was constantly building up inside her. So she begged you to seek therapy again which you did after she almost left you. Things kept going. There were very small changes and lots of excuses about how much time it would take to change. The one thing that was apparent through it all though is that you were working on YOU and it was all about YOU, it was never about the marriage, the relationship, or her. Your wife spent two nights in a row sitting in the lounge room crying after she was standing in the bathroom looking in the bath tub and thinking about getting in it and turning on the shower and slitting her throat. She cried because she couldn't bring herself to do it even though she so desperately wanted to just end it all. End the constant pain. Even her kids asleep in their rooms couldn't take away the urge. So she put herself on anti-depressants even though she never wanted to have to do that. She sought help. She went to counselling with your counselor which felt really unethical. Even did marriage counselling with the same woman who flat out told your wife to leave you. Your wife even said she was done in a joint session with you, then on the way home you tried to hold her hand as if she hadn't just said she was done. Your inability to understand left your wife feeling even more trapped than before. Your wife supported moving even further away from the ocean, her only solace, where she would go sometimes through the day to just sit. Your wife supported you furthering your education, getting her and the kids out of the house so you could concentrate. Driving up a steep mountain at night in a scary storm to get away for the weekend for you. She supported your desire to own a home and get the ducted air you wanted. She supported anything you ever wanted to do without question or passive aggression or under-handed remarks. She never once tried to make you feel bad for being the way you are. She went out of her way to learn more about how you are so she could figure out how to make the marriage work because yet again you stopped going to counseling even though nothing had changed and nothing was better. You got all the things you wanted. Except the perfect wife which you never failed to remind her that she wasn't. She didn't deserve anything because she didn't have a 9-5 job that earned a regular and decent amount of money to contribute to the finances of the household. The fact that she was saving the household money by caring for the children and the property instead of paying someone else to do it didn't matter. So what happened to you? You got exactly what you wanted. Until she couldn't take it anymore. She wanted to begin an open dialogue within the family of how they were feeling and what was going on, to do that she wanted to ask everyone a bunch of questions so they could all get to know each other better. But you pushed her, and you pushed her to share what her 'issues' were instead of letting her just ask the questions that she wanted to ask in attempt to help them all bond as a whole family unit. So it burst out of her. What she kept buried. What she squashed with food and art. What she thought she had a lid on, under lock and key. She admitted that she wanted a divorce. She said it. Out loud. In front of the kids. Out loud. To you. Out loud. As soon as she said it she knew there was no turning back. She knew she wasn't going to turn back from it this time because when she said it there was this wave of relief that washed over her. A release of the pressure. She felt like she could breathe properly. She felt free. Free to be whoever the hell she wanted to be in whatever way she wanted to be. She felt a strong resolve. An adamant determination. Part of her also knew, that if she didn't keep pushing forward this time, there would never be an escape and she would end up killing herself in some way, some day. She had been saying for years that she was done, she warned you so many times that she couldn't do it anymore, she gave you countless opportunities to take action and to help her back from the brink and any opportunity you took you soon let slip by and just went back to how you were. She left. Through the fear and the pain she left. She took her kids and began to build again. She took as little as possible, leaving you with everything. She had friends help with 2nd hand fridges and lounges and pots and pans. She struggled hard. She questioned her decision constantly. She wished things could have been different. She gave you one last chance to make things right. To prove to her that you loved her the way she deserved to be loved. She asked for marriage counselling again, you chose to only go to counselling for yourself... again. You had a year to woo her, to fight for her, to show her that you wanted her back and you failed. You stepped up for your children and she admired that, but there was no stepping up for her. There were excuses as always. There were ideas that made your wife do the work by visiting you. There was nothing from you. Nothing that put you out of your way. Nothing. Finally after about 10 months you managed to secure a marriage counselor, but by then it was too little too late. It was the 3rd round of your wife sitting there saying she'd done this that and the other, and you agreeing and the counselor not knowing how to help because your wife was doing the work and you weren't. What happened to you? You happened to you. The consequences of you, happened to you. Your wife left physically, but the end of the marriage, the failing of the relationship, that is all on you. Not her. She fought long and hard. She fought until she was but a shell of herself. Even now, as she types this she cries because you, just like her parents, have shown her yet again that there is something inherently wrong with her, that you didn't want her enough to fight for her. Painfully yours, The Unworthy Art Therapist.