Love hurts

Love is entangling. It is a mess. It leaves me feeling sick. The rejection that comes with it. It is completely ridiculous that I should feel any kind of rejection. I don't want to feel that way. It isn't rejection. Yet the hole around my throat chakra and the lump in my stomach tells me otherwise. I'm the one who fucking left. I'm the unworthy one. So why do I have to keep feeling the pain, over and over and over again. I'm so over crying about this. If I don't eat I cry. If I cry, I want to eat instead. I ache, so deeply. Why do I have to be the one to want me. I just want someone else to want me... but that isn't true. I know my 1DS's father wants me. But that isn't what I want at all. What I want is this deep ache to go away and not be part of me anymore. I want this feeling of emptiness to fuck off. I want to not feel rejected or criticised at every turn. I want to stop feeling so sad. There is this never ending hollow echo inside me and the only way I ever shut it up is with food. IF I don't shut it up with food I get no break from it at all. That is why I am feeling so fragile and broken today. This feeling is almost like the feeling you get before you gag. That is what I'm feeling in my chest. This deep need to gag. Like I need to puke out the darkness inside me, the emptiness. The vast wasteland that is the garden of my soul. I refuse to buy coke though. I went to the shops just then. I did not buy coke cola. I did not buy an iced coffee. I did not buy chocolate, or chips, or cookies, though I stopped briefly in front of the caramel ones, I did not pick up the packet. I did buy fruit loaf though and I'm probably going to eat 8 slices and even then I will likely need to force myself to stop. Just because I was rejected without it being a rejection. Definitely not intended that way anyway. I invited my husband to come to the movies with us. The 1DS father had previously piped up that he wanted to come see finding dory with us, so when I looked it up this morning I sms'd him and he of course got straight back saying he was in. Then I sms'd the soon to be ex husband to ask if he wanted to come. His response was that he didn't want to see it, so no he wasn't going to come. So of course my mind spins out into it's own little world of self-destruction and ranting about how it wasn't about seeing the movie. It was about spending time with the kids (read, with me). It was about seeing the kids (read, me). It was about being part of the family and doing something together. The 1DS father shows up for me every single time because he will go above and beyond to spend any amount of time with me. The YOs father doesn't. Why can't he love me as much as the other one did and still does? Why can't he be as devoted to me as the other one was and still is? Or why can't I just love the other one the way I love YOs father? Why? He would look after me well, he would take care of me, he would allow me the room to be how I am or who I want to be without complaint or criticism, hell he would encourage me every step of the way. He would praise each success. But no, the one I love with the deepest of aches complains, criticises, never praises. There's no sway there. There's no ease. Just pain. Piles and piles of pain. Because love hurts. I was born in to this world and show how badly love hurts and I continue to exist in this world to be shown that love hurts. So how could I ever, ever believe otherwise? I wish I could numb my heart. I wish I could numb my feelings. I wish that I was numb. As always, I am not worthy. This is Your Unworthy Art Therapist signing out.