I didn't realise how brave I am.

The room is long and connects to the open kitchen. In the kitchen that seems too white stands a woman, also in white. It looks like a nurses uniform, perhaps she works in a hospital. She is thin, scrawny even, except for the tiny little pot belly you can barely see. Her hair is very short, brown and curly, as if she sets it in curlers every night before bed. She holds a small cooking pot in one hand and appears to be yelling at the short, fat man standing at the other end of the lounge room. He is balding and grey, his face is red with rage. He seems to be huffing and puffing like a dragon, only he doesn't shoot flames from his mouth, just his insecurities, his fears that his wife in white is having an affair and will leave him for another man.

That won't happen though, not on his watch. Not for as long as he owns his rifle and he has bullets. He stands there, yelling back at the woman, venting his pent up anger and fear, his hatred. He is pointing his loaded rifle at her, threatening to shoot her if she doesn't stop seeing this man. The barrel of the rifle seems to reach toward the woman standing in the kitchen, appearing longer than it is. The woman isn't scared as she stares at the threatening barrel, at least not for herself. She is just angry and vehemently protesting the accusations.

Her eyes flicker to the left, that is where her fear crouches, hidden at the end of the lounge that sits against the wall next to the doorway that leads to the bedrooms. There's a little girl with bright blue eyes and wavy brown hair. She is crouched in a tight ball staring at her Nanny in the kitchen with the pot. She can't see her Poppy from where she crouches, but she can hear him. Hear his accusations and his threats. Knows he is holding a rifle pointed at her Nanny. The girl knows that if her Poppy pulls the trigger the bullet that flies out of the gaping mouth at the end of the barrel will kill her Nanny.

The little girl feels great fear for her Nanny. So afraid that her Nanny will get hurt and go away. If that happens she knows she won't have anywhere to live because no one else wanted her. The sadness creeps up behind her eyes. She is scared of her grandparents, but at least she knows where she is, she knows where she lives. She has Somewhere. Poppy can't shoot her Nanny. Resolve flickers in her eyes when she hears her Poppy threaten to kill her Nanny again. Her Nanny's eyes flicker over to the girl again, not wanting the girl to be hurt. She also notices the flicker of determination in the little girls eyes and calls out for her to stay where she is. The little girl doesn't listen. She knows her Poppy won't shoot her, so she races over to stand in front of her Nanny. Her Nanny quickly holds the pot over the little girls heart. Her little heart is pumping with fear and adrenaline, but she is brave. So brave. She will not let him kill her Nanny.

She knows Poppy is so caught up in his drunken rage, so caught up in his story that he has forgotten the little girl is even there. He falters when he sees his grand daughter. His resolve weakens. The rage seems to deflate out of him and the edge in the air lessens. The little girl is on high alert, she is tense and scared and fiercely protective. Her Nanny is pushing her away. She doesn't want to go. Her Nanny is persistent. She pushes the little girl toward the hallway that leads to the front door. The little girl turns around to protest, she is scared her Poppy will shoot her Nanny if she leaves. Her Nanny is telling her to go downstairs to Unit One where Dell lives and wait there. Her nanny promises she will be down soon and that everything will be OK.

The little girl doesn't want to, but she doesn't want to disobey her Nanny either or her Nanny might not want her anymore. Her Nanny might send her away if she doesn't do as she is told. As she turns to leave the little girl notices a red patch of blood on her Nanny's whiter than white uniform. It reminds the little girl that her Nanny might die and it brings the fear back full force. The girl doesn't want to leave her Nanny but she knows she has to do as she is told. The little girl doesn't look back as she races down the hall with tears streaming down her face. She doesn't notice that her Poppy has put the rifle down as she flies out the front door. She doesn't notice the shame on the old man's face, the remorse. She doesn't see him realise what almost happened. She doesn't see him appear to age another decade in front of her eyes. All she does is carry her fear for her Nanny's life down the stairs with the thought in her head that if she can just get to Dell, her Nanny would be safe. Everything would be OK.

The lady one flight down opens her door as the girl comes wailing down the stairs. She would have heard the argument going on above her. She asks the little girl if she is OK and if she would like to come inside until it is safe. The little girl stops dead in her tracks . She stops her wailing. She stops her tears. She packs all the feelings in to a little box and tells the lady she is fine and doesn't want to go into her unit. The little girl rounds the corner to continue down the next flight of stairs keeping her emotions contained and to herself now. She continues to carry the thought in her head that if she could just make it down to Dell then everything would be alright. Because her Nanny told her so.

She made it to Dell's. Everything did turn out alright in the end. No one died. No one sent the little girl away. She continued to have Somewhere. No one ever mentioned how brave that little girl was. Ever. It wasn't until decades later, looking back, the little girl who had grown in to a disfunctional, unworthy adult, realised just how brave she was that night. Just how brave she was. Just how brave she still is.

Shame

I feel an incredible amount of shame for how I am and how I know better but continue to go down the same path, doing the same things, whinging about nothing changing, dreaming of change, but not actually doing the work to change. I always have an outside force to blame instead of taking responsibility within myself. I always seem to have a reason not to do what I know I need to do in order to carry a healthy body around in this world. Bread Pasta Pastry in the form of meat pies Pastry in the form of danishes, etc biscuits chocolate coke cola and other various fizzy drinks coffee sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar whipped cream shapes cheese and bacon rolls In case you were wondering. That right there is why I fail at doing what I do. Well, not those things, but the fact that I choose to eat those things instead of follow a program I know works. These are the things I eat and drink instead of salads, which I love, bowls of steamed vegetables, which I love, drinking water... which I can take or leave. I'm not here to promote Isagenix, as I believe we all need to find what works for us, and I also believe Isagenix isn't going to be for everyone. But it works for me. I've never been able to stomach those meal replacement shakes in any other brand, but I actually enjoy the Isagenix ones. I really love how I feel when I follow the program. I have more energy, I'm less tired, I'm less depressed. I love the double cleanse days. There's something really nice about not having to eat anything! For right now I just want to get under 100kgs and I know if I could support myself better I could reach that by my birthday at the end of the year. However I don't support myself. I get lazy. This heavy, heavy blanket falls over me leaving me feeling so tired, leaving me feeling like I can barely move, so instead of making the right choices for a better me, I cave and go with easy. I'm so over people going on about how simple it is, to make the decision and follow it through... well it's not. I'm here to say it's not. I have struggled with this for so long feeling guilt and shame that I can't just make the decision and stick with it. That I can't make the choice in the right now. I only seem to be able to make the choice in the future. Only, the future isn't going to help me if I don't find the strength to make the choice in the right now. I have everything I need. I know exactly how to do it. So why don't I? I don't understand. I don't understand the block I have or why it is there or how to get rid of it. All people want to do is lay more blame and more shame which doesn't help at all. How do I find the love for myself? How do I find my Inner Parent and strengthen it? How do I strengthen my Ego, so it stops giving my ID so much control? How do I strengthen my Super Ego's voice so my Ego can find the balance required? It's all well and good to discover that I need to strengthen my Ego, but no one explained how one would go about doing that. What does someone do to help strengthen that? I'm meant to be a therapist to clients who need this and if I can't even do it for myself how the hell am I meant to help them do it for themselves? Instead of having a shake for breakfast I had a cup of coffee with 2 mini blueberry muffins and a handful or two of bbq shapes. Why? Why do I do that to myself when it hurts to walk, it hurts to roll over in bed. It is becoming more and more difficult to move, to even get up out of the loungechair or bed. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why is it so damn difficult for me to follow a routine I know works?!!! I'm so angry and frustrated with myself yet I still do the things I do. I'm so ashamed of myself, yet I still do the things I do. I have no explanation for it. I have no reason not to look after myself. I have no idea how to support myself when I do not know what it is like to be supported. I feel completely and utterly unsupported. So how do I find and get support? How do I gain the strength I need so I can reach my goals? Am I just weak? Am I just a victim? Am I no better than my mother? I know that feeling you are unworthy is a false core belief... but I do. All the time. Feel unworthy. Always, your unworthy art therapist.

You fucking voted for who now?

I think I actually created some kind of delusional realm within my mind where I actually thought Australian's of all types were going to allow change to happen. I clearly REALLY believed it could be done and that enough Australian's out there were with me in wanting to see something different happen in the powers that govern our country. I was so wrong and I don't know why that shocked me so much this time. I don't know why I feel so fucking devastated. I am clearly SO PMS right now cause I actually cried when it hit me that nothing is going to change. That there is nothing I alone can do and that unless a whole fucking heap of other people wake up and become willing to stand up, that we really are going to end up another fucking Nazi history for future generations to look back on and cry shame, shame, how did they let this happen?! My reef is dying and I haven't even had a chance to go and see it yet. Soon my children will be either held down and forced to be injected with all manner of toxin in the name of vaccination OR be taken off me because I will be classed as an unfit parent for not vaccinating them voluntarily OR I'll end up in jail because I'll rip the damn throat out of anyone who tries to inject my children. Soon after that I will be held down and have toxins forced in to my body in the guise of being for the good of society too. All the while, if a negative reaction occurs the powers that be have no liable responsibility. My fellow human beings in dire need of a safer place to live, the need for a home, a warm bed, clean clothes, fresh water and food will continue to be forced into legal concentration camps simply because they are running away from war-torn countries and seeking assylum. Seeking what every human being has the right to... safety. The thought of this one alone is enough to make my eyes water again and my heart ache. Here I am bitching that I'm a morbidly obese person who can't fucking lose weight cause I can't parent myself properly and be strict and I can't keep my house clean and I feel like I have no support from anyone anywhere, while these people are locked up in sub-par conditions instead of being given space in our bountiful country. I hate voting day. I hate it. I hate that another set of puppets are placed in charge and my one dismal vote has done nothing to change that. I hate having to be more aware of all the issues with my country and around the world because it depresses me. It leaves me feeling alone, incapable, defeated, powerless, shamed, depressed.... Here is what I propose: Voting is NO LONGER MANDATORY! Voting becomes the privilege 'they' claim it is. Just because you are over 18 does NOT give you the right to vote. If you want to vote you need to know how voting works. You need to know about the different choices of parties or independents you are voting for. You need to get a license to drive, or a degree to teach, or to be a doctor, these are all life-changing things... well so is voting in my opinion. Voting is SO important and people take it for granted or worse see it as an imposition. Well you know what? If you can't be bothered, your stupid dummy vote with the drawing of a penis, or your #1 vote shouldn't be allowed to go to the people already in power. If you can't be bothered to find out what parties are for and against what, what they stand for, what their policies are, then you shouldn't be allowed to vote. And also, while we are at it, cause no one reads this anyway, in a controversial twist, if you aren't of at least average intelligence, you should not be allowed to vote. People with learning disabilities of a severe nature, people who are what used to be called retarded, should not be allowed to vote. There I said it. I am feeling completely defeated. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Not what I do, or how I live, my voice is mute. No one hears me. No one learns. No one opens their eyes. No one wakes up. I am unworthy. Truly I am. But so is everyone else.