Shame

I feel an incredible amount of shame for how I am and how I know better but continue to go down the same path, doing the same things, whinging about nothing changing, dreaming of change, but not actually doing the work to change. I always have an outside force to blame instead of taking responsibility within myself. I always seem to have a reason not to do what I know I need to do in order to carry a healthy body around in this world. Bread Pasta Pastry in the form of meat pies Pastry in the form of danishes, etc biscuits chocolate coke cola and other various fizzy drinks coffee sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar whipped cream shapes cheese and bacon rolls In case you were wondering. That right there is why I fail at doing what I do. Well, not those things, but the fact that I choose to eat those things instead of follow a program I know works. These are the things I eat and drink instead of salads, which I love, bowls of steamed vegetables, which I love, drinking water... which I can take or leave. I'm not here to promote Isagenix, as I believe we all need to find what works for us, and I also believe Isagenix isn't going to be for everyone. But it works for me. I've never been able to stomach those meal replacement shakes in any other brand, but I actually enjoy the Isagenix ones. I really love how I feel when I follow the program. I have more energy, I'm less tired, I'm less depressed. I love the double cleanse days. There's something really nice about not having to eat anything! For right now I just want to get under 100kgs and I know if I could support myself better I could reach that by my birthday at the end of the year. However I don't support myself. I get lazy. This heavy, heavy blanket falls over me leaving me feeling so tired, leaving me feeling like I can barely move, so instead of making the right choices for a better me, I cave and go with easy. I'm so over people going on about how simple it is, to make the decision and follow it through... well it's not. I'm here to say it's not. I have struggled with this for so long feeling guilt and shame that I can't just make the decision and stick with it. That I can't make the choice in the right now. I only seem to be able to make the choice in the future. Only, the future isn't going to help me if I don't find the strength to make the choice in the right now. I have everything I need. I know exactly how to do it. So why don't I? I don't understand. I don't understand the block I have or why it is there or how to get rid of it. All people want to do is lay more blame and more shame which doesn't help at all. How do I find the love for myself? How do I find my Inner Parent and strengthen it? How do I strengthen my Ego, so it stops giving my ID so much control? How do I strengthen my Super Ego's voice so my Ego can find the balance required? It's all well and good to discover that I need to strengthen my Ego, but no one explained how one would go about doing that. What does someone do to help strengthen that? I'm meant to be a therapist to clients who need this and if I can't even do it for myself how the hell am I meant to help them do it for themselves? Instead of having a shake for breakfast I had a cup of coffee with 2 mini blueberry muffins and a handful or two of bbq shapes. Why? Why do I do that to myself when it hurts to walk, it hurts to roll over in bed. It is becoming more and more difficult to move, to even get up out of the loungechair or bed. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why is it so damn difficult for me to follow a routine I know works?!!! I'm so angry and frustrated with myself yet I still do the things I do. I'm so ashamed of myself, yet I still do the things I do. I have no explanation for it. I have no reason not to look after myself. I have no idea how to support myself when I do not know what it is like to be supported. I feel completely and utterly unsupported. So how do I find and get support? How do I gain the strength I need so I can reach my goals? Am I just weak? Am I just a victim? Am I no better than my mother? I know that feeling you are unworthy is a false core belief... but I do. All the time. Feel unworthy. Always, your unworthy art therapist.